Fear of finishing

I've had a dreadful food week. I have found myself unable to control my eating in the evening, and have also hardly dragged my arse out the door for exercise at all.

So - what the bloody hell is going on?

There could be lots of contributing factors: the aforementioned hormones, the dark evenings brought about by the end of daylight saving, the fact that the weather is cold and miserable and it feels like August not autumn.

But I suspect a more deep-seated issue - fear of finishing.

I am one of these people who often leaves a project 'not-quite-done'. It's not such a problem with work - I have to meet other people's expectations, so things have to be finished off. But when it's a task or a goal I've set myself, I don't seem to be able to get through the last little bit.

But why should I be like this?

I think it's something to do with my 'all or nothing' attitude. When I take something on, it really becomes a big part of my life. So when I finish it, will my life become a little emptier?

This seems to be related to something I talked about a couple of weeks ago - about letting my weight-loss become too big a part of what defines me. As I get closer to goal, I have to face what my life is going to be like after that.

I know that I will still need to be aware of my food and exercise - all this won't suddenly stop just because I've reached a certain weight. But on a fundamental level, something will have changed - and I need to find a way to cope with that.

Because otherwise, my self-sabotage will continue.

The trouble with being pre-menstrual

is that KNOWING you're pre-menstrual doesn't actually help you cope with the side-effects of BEING pre-menstrual.

I know I only wanted that English muffin with butter (and that ice-cream and those chips) because I'm pre-menstrual, but that didn't help stop me from eating them!

I also know that's why I didn't have the patience today to let a colleague ramble on when she was going in completely the wrong direction, but corrected her straight away (but did she really have to call me officious?).

However, here are my new thoughts on pre-menstrual comfort eating (to be applied at will to other situations). I get the feeling I've just clicked to something you guys all worked out ages ago, so excuse me for stating the bleeding obvious.

Giving in to these urges isn't always wrong. It would be wrong if we gave in to every single urge, but relenting occasionally is not only fine, it actually helps stop us from giving in more often - and from going on a power-binge!

See, I told you that I've just clicked to the obvious!

It's been a great week!

So, what's been so good about my week?

1. Jake made the first cut for the 1st XV squad
2. I have stuck to my gruelling cardio schedule for the week (one day to go) and feel FANTASTIC for it
3. The Hurricanes ground out a win against the Sharks last night - a typical home game - cold, wet and not pretty rugby
4. I have lovely new running shoes
5. Oh yeah - I have now lost 50 kilos!

When walking is not enough

Now, don't get me wrong here - walking is my friend. I love walking and it helped me form my exercise habit last year. And, of course, it is my 'Mummy and Moose' activity (for those who don't know, Moose is the dog).

But from a fitness and weight-loss point of view, walking just doesn't cut the mustard any more.

I wore my heart rate monitor on a walk the other day (I know, geek!). Apart from when I was going up some of Wellington's famous hills, I just couldn't walk hard enough to get out of Zone 1 and into Zone 2. So, basically, I have to walk for a damn long time for walking to have much beneficial effect.

Now Moose has to get used to me breaking into a jog at random intervals.

This week I'm also have a real focus on cardio exercise - no muscle building exercise, just pure, sweaty, leg-wobbling, face-reddening cardio all the way!

I got to meet Karen last night. It was so nice to meet someone whose blog I've been following - especially someone as friendly and bubbly as she is.

It's not the plan's fault!

I'm having a weekend of struggling with NoCount. Despite having meticulously planned my meals, I'm putting too much on my plate and sneaking extra food as well!

So, I considered switching back to counting points. But, actually, I was having the same issues with that.

So, don't try and say the plan isn't working!

I need to regain the focus and motivation that has served me so well in the past.

The plan is good and I know it can work - but only if I let it.

During some computer issues on Friday I had to reload my profile and so have lost all my internet favourites - most of which were blogs. I've got some of them back, but please leave me a quick comment so I can recover the rest.

Anniversary

There I was updating my sidebar, because it's Friday, which is my weigh-in day. I wasn't intending to post, just update my stats. But I found myself typing 'Week 52' - that's right, it's one year since I started on the WW At Home programme.

Yeeeeehaaaaa!
Ain't that just something to celebrate?

Sloth!

I'm having an attack of the lazy-arse bastards this week and have already missed two of my planned exercise sessions - and will miss another one tonight as we're going to Les Arts Sauts.

Oh well, I guess I can't be the Exercise Queen all the time.

I did take 5 minutes off my 7km time on Monday though - which basically means I ran for more of it than I did last time.

I was intending to only go 2km, because on Sunday the dog had a sore leg and was limping quite badly. I thought I'd just take him round the block to see how he was (and whether or not he needed to go to the vet). But when I let him in on Monday he raced around like a complete lunatic and leaped over Jake who was sitting on the floor - "Mum, I think the dog's leg is better". So, off on 7km we went. By the time we got back he was limping a bit, but he'll get over it!

The return of...

...rugby meetings!

Yes, folks, they're back. I spent all last winter moaning about them. Well, winter must be approaching again, because we have our first rugby meeting of the year tomorrow night.

That means I get to take minutes, send out nagging emails, do the admin, find who has got all the kit from last year (there's a bag in my garage) and organise the after-match functions. Beg water bottles, balls, tackle bags and hit shields from our supporting clubs. Get the boys to pay their fees, cajole/beg/bully guys into coaching and managing, deal with the ego-bunnies at the Union. And all of that has nothing to do with the actual Saturday games - drive smelly boys around, stand on the sideline in the freezing cold, give Jake rub-downs, haul guys off the field for not wearing mouthguards. Bring the ice-packs (frozen peas), fill the water bottles, make sure the bench are running the bottles and the kicking tees, be nice to completely average referees - "Thanks ref, good game (you short-sighted, one-eyed, wouldn't know a rule-book if it bit you in the arse, geriatric git)".

How can guys be so good at rugby and so CRAP at organising it?

Yep, you know I love it!

Who am I?

Several things have sparked a bit of navel-gazing in the last week. It's not something I do often, and I certainly don't communicate my introspection well, but here goes.

What has set off the self-examination?

1. Beck made a great comment about women who are losing weight 'define their entire worth on a number'.
2. My darling man looked at my progress pics from last week. He pointed to the first one, from a year ago, and said 'I can't even remember you looking like that'.
3. While in Auckland, I felt really uncomfortable when people I haven't seen for a while made a big fuss about how much weight I've lost.

These things have got me thinking about the need to re-define to myself who I am.

I need to stop thinking of myself as a fat person who has lost a lot of weight. People who have never met me before don't know what I used to look like - and that they're not really interested, so I need to stop trying to work it into the conversation!

I did need intense focus and motivation to lose the amount of weight I have, and to transform myself into a fit person.

But these things no longer need to define my life.

The weekend that was and the week to come

I've had a lovely weekend. Our very good friends came down from Havelock North to spend the weekend with us - only a year late for my 40th party, which they couldn't make it to.

So we spent the weekend talking, eating out and having a lovely time. There's just nothing like the conversations you have with old friends. I still managed to get in my exercise, so a quick peek at the home scales shows I've maintained over the weekend; always a good result after relaxing the rules a bit.

I'll have a very disjointed week this week.

I have the day off on Tuesday to go to the McEvedy Shield - an annual athletics competition involving the four main boys' schools in Wellington. Basically over 3000 boys spend the day chanting and roaring for blood - this competition had been going since 1922 and is a day not to be missed.

Wednesday and Thursday I'll be in Auckland for work. I always managed to cope with the work travel when I was tracking points, so it will be interesting to see how I manage now that I'm doing NoCount.

I used to pack plenty of snacks and things to take with me. This time I'll take enough fruit to get me through Wednesday and my porridge for Thursday morning. On Wednesday evening I'll pick up pasta and veggies for dinner and more fruit for the next day. Luckily I get to stay in an apartment so I can do my own cooking. Lunches will be a bit more hit-and-miss, but sushi is a great stand-by there.

I've tailored my exercise for the week around my travel. I'm trying to have a week of concentrating on running, because my riding is at a level where all I need to do is maintain it till the duathlon. It still amazes me when I make statements like that!

I used to be able to do an overnight trip to Auckland with just carry-on luggage, but having to pack training gear (particularly the shoes!) has made that a bit more difficult.

Because of the travel I won't be able to weigh in at WW till Friday. This is actually quite good because it will bring my WW weigh-in day in line with my home weigh-in day - my home one being what I'm still using as my 'official' weight, because that's what I've been using for the past year.

Thanks everyone, for the lovely comments about my progress pics. I'm hoping that I can post number five in the series - the one of me at goal - before the end of April.

Progress Part 2

There have been couple of requests for a series of progress pictures - so here they are, in descending order.



February 2006
A slight variation on my profile pic.

















November 2005

July 2005

March 2005

My 40th birthday party. Yeah, okay, slightly pissed!

Progress

My first official week of NoCount saw a loss of 2.4kg. A pretty damn fine effort, really. I weighed myself daily at home, so I could track my progress and do some experimentation.

Things I've learned:
Portion sizes still are really important. You can 'eat freely' from the restricted food list. This really means have a reasonable sized meal, it doesn't mean inhale a bucketload of food.
I've got much better at asking myself 'Are you actually hungry?'. The answer is usually no.
I'm enjoying the freedom of not counting. I'm choosing foods I want to eat (off the list!) instead of trying to work out what will make me feel the fullest for the smallest number of points.

Basically, I'm really enjoying NoCount. But it could just be because I've been counting points for a year and was overdue for a change.

I'll keep you posted.