Fear of finishing

I've had a dreadful food week. I have found myself unable to control my eating in the evening, and have also hardly dragged my arse out the door for exercise at all.

So - what the bloody hell is going on?

There could be lots of contributing factors: the aforementioned hormones, the dark evenings brought about by the end of daylight saving, the fact that the weather is cold and miserable and it feels like August not autumn.

But I suspect a more deep-seated issue - fear of finishing.

I am one of these people who often leaves a project 'not-quite-done'. It's not such a problem with work - I have to meet other people's expectations, so things have to be finished off. But when it's a task or a goal I've set myself, I don't seem to be able to get through the last little bit.

But why should I be like this?

I think it's something to do with my 'all or nothing' attitude. When I take something on, it really becomes a big part of my life. So when I finish it, will my life become a little emptier?

This seems to be related to something I talked about a couple of weeks ago - about letting my weight-loss become too big a part of what defines me. As I get closer to goal, I have to face what my life is going to be like after that.

I know that I will still need to be aware of my food and exercise - all this won't suddenly stop just because I've reached a certain weight. But on a fundamental level, something will have changed - and I need to find a way to cope with that.

Because otherwise, my self-sabotage will continue.

The trouble with being pre-menstrual

is that KNOWING you're pre-menstrual doesn't actually help you cope with the side-effects of BEING pre-menstrual.

I know I only wanted that English muffin with butter (and that ice-cream and those chips) because I'm pre-menstrual, but that didn't help stop me from eating them!

I also know that's why I didn't have the patience today to let a colleague ramble on when she was going in completely the wrong direction, but corrected her straight away (but did she really have to call me officious?).

However, here are my new thoughts on pre-menstrual comfort eating (to be applied at will to other situations). I get the feeling I've just clicked to something you guys all worked out ages ago, so excuse me for stating the bleeding obvious.

Giving in to these urges isn't always wrong. It would be wrong if we gave in to every single urge, but relenting occasionally is not only fine, it actually helps stop us from giving in more often - and from going on a power-binge!

See, I told you that I've just clicked to the obvious!

It's been a great week!

So, what's been so good about my week?

1. Jake made the first cut for the 1st XV squad
2. I have stuck to my gruelling cardio schedule for the week (one day to go) and feel FANTASTIC for it
3. The Hurricanes ground out a win against the Sharks last night - a typical home game - cold, wet and not pretty rugby
4. I have lovely new running shoes
5. Oh yeah - I have now lost 50 kilos!

When walking is not enough

Now, don't get me wrong here - walking is my friend. I love walking and it helped me form my exercise habit last year. And, of course, it is my 'Mummy and Moose' activity (for those who don't know, Moose is the dog).

But from a fitness and weight-loss point of view, walking just doesn't cut the mustard any more.

I wore my heart rate monitor on a walk the other day (I know, geek!). Apart from when I was going up some of Wellington's famous hills, I just couldn't walk hard enough to get out of Zone 1 and into Zone 2. So, basically, I have to walk for a damn long time for walking to have much beneficial effect.

Now Moose has to get used to me breaking into a jog at random intervals.

This week I'm also have a real focus on cardio exercise - no muscle building exercise, just pure, sweaty, leg-wobbling, face-reddening cardio all the way!

I got to meet Karen last night. It was so nice to meet someone whose blog I've been following - especially someone as friendly and bubbly as she is.

It's not the plan's fault!

I'm having a weekend of struggling with NoCount. Despite having meticulously planned my meals, I'm putting too much on my plate and sneaking extra food as well!

So, I considered switching back to counting points. But, actually, I was having the same issues with that.

So, don't try and say the plan isn't working!

I need to regain the focus and motivation that has served me so well in the past.

The plan is good and I know it can work - but only if I let it.

During some computer issues on Friday I had to reload my profile and so have lost all my internet favourites - most of which were blogs. I've got some of them back, but please leave me a quick comment so I can recover the rest.

Anniversary

There I was updating my sidebar, because it's Friday, which is my weigh-in day. I wasn't intending to post, just update my stats. But I found myself typing 'Week 52' - that's right, it's one year since I started on the WW At Home programme.

Yeeeeehaaaaa!
Ain't that just something to celebrate?

Sloth!

I'm having an attack of the lazy-arse bastards this week and have already missed two of my planned exercise sessions - and will miss another one tonight as we're going to Les Arts Sauts.

Oh well, I guess I can't be the Exercise Queen all the time.

I did take 5 minutes off my 7km time on Monday though - which basically means I ran for more of it than I did last time.

I was intending to only go 2km, because on Sunday the dog had a sore leg and was limping quite badly. I thought I'd just take him round the block to see how he was (and whether or not he needed to go to the vet). But when I let him in on Monday he raced around like a complete lunatic and leaped over Jake who was sitting on the floor - "Mum, I think the dog's leg is better". So, off on 7km we went. By the time we got back he was limping a bit, but he'll get over it!

The return of...

...rugby meetings!

Yes, folks, they're back. I spent all last winter moaning about them. Well, winter must be approaching again, because we have our first rugby meeting of the year tomorrow night.

That means I get to take minutes, send out nagging emails, do the admin, find who has got all the kit from last year (there's a bag in my garage) and organise the after-match functions. Beg water bottles, balls, tackle bags and hit shields from our supporting clubs. Get the boys to pay their fees, cajole/beg/bully guys into coaching and managing, deal with the ego-bunnies at the Union. And all of that has nothing to do with the actual Saturday games - drive smelly boys around, stand on the sideline in the freezing cold, give Jake rub-downs, haul guys off the field for not wearing mouthguards. Bring the ice-packs (frozen peas), fill the water bottles, make sure the bench are running the bottles and the kicking tees, be nice to completely average referees - "Thanks ref, good game (you short-sighted, one-eyed, wouldn't know a rule-book if it bit you in the arse, geriatric git)".

How can guys be so good at rugby and so CRAP at organising it?

Yep, you know I love it!

Who am I?

Several things have sparked a bit of navel-gazing in the last week. It's not something I do often, and I certainly don't communicate my introspection well, but here goes.

What has set off the self-examination?

1. Beck made a great comment about women who are losing weight 'define their entire worth on a number'.
2. My darling man looked at my progress pics from last week. He pointed to the first one, from a year ago, and said 'I can't even remember you looking like that'.
3. While in Auckland, I felt really uncomfortable when people I haven't seen for a while made a big fuss about how much weight I've lost.

These things have got me thinking about the need to re-define to myself who I am.

I need to stop thinking of myself as a fat person who has lost a lot of weight. People who have never met me before don't know what I used to look like - and that they're not really interested, so I need to stop trying to work it into the conversation!

I did need intense focus and motivation to lose the amount of weight I have, and to transform myself into a fit person.

But these things no longer need to define my life.

The weekend that was and the week to come

I've had a lovely weekend. Our very good friends came down from Havelock North to spend the weekend with us - only a year late for my 40th party, which they couldn't make it to.

So we spent the weekend talking, eating out and having a lovely time. There's just nothing like the conversations you have with old friends. I still managed to get in my exercise, so a quick peek at the home scales shows I've maintained over the weekend; always a good result after relaxing the rules a bit.

I'll have a very disjointed week this week.

I have the day off on Tuesday to go to the McEvedy Shield - an annual athletics competition involving the four main boys' schools in Wellington. Basically over 3000 boys spend the day chanting and roaring for blood - this competition had been going since 1922 and is a day not to be missed.

Wednesday and Thursday I'll be in Auckland for work. I always managed to cope with the work travel when I was tracking points, so it will be interesting to see how I manage now that I'm doing NoCount.

I used to pack plenty of snacks and things to take with me. This time I'll take enough fruit to get me through Wednesday and my porridge for Thursday morning. On Wednesday evening I'll pick up pasta and veggies for dinner and more fruit for the next day. Luckily I get to stay in an apartment so I can do my own cooking. Lunches will be a bit more hit-and-miss, but sushi is a great stand-by there.

I've tailored my exercise for the week around my travel. I'm trying to have a week of concentrating on running, because my riding is at a level where all I need to do is maintain it till the duathlon. It still amazes me when I make statements like that!

I used to be able to do an overnight trip to Auckland with just carry-on luggage, but having to pack training gear (particularly the shoes!) has made that a bit more difficult.

Because of the travel I won't be able to weigh in at WW till Friday. This is actually quite good because it will bring my WW weigh-in day in line with my home weigh-in day - my home one being what I'm still using as my 'official' weight, because that's what I've been using for the past year.

Thanks everyone, for the lovely comments about my progress pics. I'm hoping that I can post number five in the series - the one of me at goal - before the end of April.

Progress Part 2

There have been couple of requests for a series of progress pictures - so here they are, in descending order.



February 2006
A slight variation on my profile pic.

















November 2005

July 2005

March 2005

My 40th birthday party. Yeah, okay, slightly pissed!

Progress

My first official week of NoCount saw a loss of 2.4kg. A pretty damn fine effort, really. I weighed myself daily at home, so I could track my progress and do some experimentation.

Things I've learned:
Portion sizes still are really important. You can 'eat freely' from the restricted food list. This really means have a reasonable sized meal, it doesn't mean inhale a bucketload of food.
I've got much better at asking myself 'Are you actually hungry?'. The answer is usually no.
I'm enjoying the freedom of not counting. I'm choosing foods I want to eat (off the list!) instead of trying to work out what will make me feel the fullest for the smallest number of points.

Basically, I'm really enjoying NoCount. But it could just be because I've been counting points for a year and was overdue for a change.

I'll keep you posted.

Completely blank

I thought I should post an update, so you don't have to keep coming in here and going "Vain cow, she's still got that bloody photo up".

But I can't think of anything to say.

Will let you know the results of my first week of NoCount tomorrow.

Relaxed or exhausted?

Here's a pic of me from the weekend in Taupo. I'd been up for well over 24 hours at this stage! It's not the most glamourous photo, but it is very 'me' and - LOOK - I've got collar-bones!

Quick update

One thing I discovered when I went to WW on Wednesday - I'm 174cm tall, not 176cm. I choose to believe this is due to a previous mis-measurement, rather than old-age shrinkage! Luckily I don't need to change my goal weight of 76kg.

After just two days of following NoCount, my home scales show a loss of 1.8kg. Much of this will be due to the fact that I am back to my earlier discipline with regards to sneak-eating! This means I get to show a 2.2kg loss on my side bar this week - I was expecting a couple of big losses due to the change in programme, so if I can get a couple of weeks like that I'll be more than happy!

Early impressions of the new programme:
What a relief to not count points all the time.
Only being able to have fruit and veges as snacks actually seems to make planning the day easier.
We are late dinner eaters in our house (often not eating till 8pm or later due to everyone's sports commitments) so I need to make sure I don't have my lunch too early and that I have a snack when I get home from work so I don't get too ravenous.
After dinner is still going to be tough for me - it's a danger time for sneak-eating. Last night I solved it with a couple of nectarines and some WW jelly. Some nights I'll use a couple of my 21 points to have a treat, but I want to keep that to a minimum for the first couple of weeks.
Looks like I need to plan well - at the moment I'm planning each day the evening before.

It's early days, so it will be interesting to see how my opinions change.

Today's weigh-in means I now have less than 10kg to go!

First meeting

Well, I have rejoined WW and went to my first meeting yesterday. It's a city lunchtime meeting, so was pretty busy. Not enough talking in the discussion for my liking - I'll have to stir things up a bit! Rather like the leader, though. An Englishwoman with a nicely understated sense of humour and obviously well-read - was I the only person in the room who got the Katherine Mansfield reference? I'm such a snob!

I have decided to give No Count a go to see how it works for me. The basic premise works like this:
You have three meals a day, at which you can eat 'freely' from a restricted list of foods. 'Freely' really means in moderation, not to the point of feeling like a puffer fish.
Outside those three meals, you can snack on fruit and vegetables only.
In addition, you can use 21 points a week for foods outside the list - e.g. that white bread you can't live without, your chocolate treat on a Friday night.

I think this can work for me because:
Portion sizes are so automatic after almost a year of counting points I think there is little risk of me making my meals too big.
I like the fact the list of foods is basically whole foods and no processed foods, and therefore my overall diet should become even healthier.
There are essentially no 'treat' foods - the way I am at the moment I think I'm best to keep right away from those things, rather than try and stop after 'just a little bit'.
The 21 points gives me enough leeway to eat out a couple of times a week, or have a few drinks at some stage.
If I know I've got a really busy week coming up I can switch back to tracking points for a week if I like.

So, I'm going to try it for 4 weeks - long enough to get through the first couple of weeks of losing just because it is something new, and to form a habit if I want to keep going with it.

Interestingly, though, no other women at the meeting are following No Count. A few had tried it and didn't find it worked for them. The leader did say the uptake had been lower than they expected. I feel it would be quite difficult to do it as your first experience of WW - the control of portion sizes and learning to stop eating when you are full seem a bit difficult to learn quickly. After all, the lack of those controls is the reason why many of us are overweight.

My WW weight yesterday was 87.8kg. I'd weighed at 86.9kg at home in the morning, so I imagine our scales are fairly close. I am going to continue using my home scales to track my weight in the sidebar, but will report my 'official' weight each week when I let you know how I'm going on the new programme.

Another new experience...

Entirely at random

It is currently not safe to leave me alone in the house with a container of ice cream and a spoon. In fact, I could manage even if the spoon wasn't there.

My supposed 15km training ride is actually 19km. Rode it last night (in a brisk northerly) in 1 hour and 5 minutes. First aim is to get it under 1 hour.

My man is in New Plymouth this week - that should mean a new tee-shirt for me!

Jake being captain of the dragon boat team this year has unexpected benefits at home. After five races on Saturday, leading the starts and making the reach calls has left him with no voice. So he can't sing in his frightfully toneless voice for a while. Although he has managed to record himself singing 'Living on a Prayer' and set it as the ring-tone on his phone!

Will I ever get over the feeling that the Hurricanes will break my heart again this season, even though they're looking so good?

It's a good idea, when locking up your car and leaving it in the carpark for the day, to also close the driver's window.

How weird does it still feel, as a previously sedentary Mum, to be talking about pyramid runs, fatigue training zones and the best piriformis stretch with your teenager?

I think I might re-join WW (haven't been part of the At Home scheme since about September, although I have continued to follow the programme). This might help me with the motivation I need to lose the last 10 kilos and I can have a good look at No Count as well. Any thoughts on this, folks?

Whew!

What a great weekend that was - the relay was a smashing success!

Our walkers/runners started at 11pm on Friday and finished the 160km at 4.37pm on Saturday. It was an amazing effort by everyone and lots of fun as well.

I didn't do a leg - just stayed at the motel making sure everyone was fed and watered, awake in time to go out on the course for their leg and rubbed down when they got back! Didn't go to bed at all on Friday night.

A very relaxed week food-wise after my triathlon has led to an upward creep in my weight; nothing I'm particularly worried about. I can't imagine the weekend will have helped much, as I ate whatever I wanted to - staying up for 36 hours means you constantly crave carbs.

So, it's Monday again (coming to work was a bit of a let-down after the weekend), and I'm trying hard to bring my eating back into line - and back into the exercise this week too!

So, what's next?

Well, I've had a few days of basking in the glory of what I've done - thank you all for your kind comments and emails. I still can't quite believe how much I enjoyed the triathlon.

So, what's next for me?

I need to shift my focus back to controlling my eating. This has been meandering around in the last few weeks. As I've said before, I think I was saved from gaining weight by the heavy training load I was carrying. So back to careful planning and tracking.

This weekend we have a team of 25 people (workmates and clients) taking part in the Great Lake Relay in Taupo - 18 legs of walking and running around the lake - it's about 160km.

I'm Camp Mother, so I'm not doing a leg, although I am a reserve. Instead I'll look after the base camp and all the meals - because, after all, surrounding myself with food is such as sensible thing for me to do!

One thing I've learned from the triathlon is that I'm more motivated about exercise if I have something to train for. So my next goal is a duathlon on Easter Sunday. I'm still not absolutely sure I'll be in town for this, as I may be on tour with the rugby boys, but I'm training for it anyway. And as I'm on the rugby committee I should have some influence on when we go away!

This duathlon is a 3.5km run/10km bike/1.5km run. It's based around our lovely harbour, so we have that small miracle in Wellington - a flat course! This will mean a quite different training regime from the last one - and no swimming, hooray!

Starting next week the training will go something like this:
1 x 15km ride per week
1 x 7km run/walk per week (building towards being able to run the whole thing)
1 x 3km run per week (working on improving my time each week)
1 x 'brick' training session - run/ride/run - starting with short distances and building each week
That will take care of my cardio and I'll do 3 or 4 days a week at the gym and see if I can throw in some kickboxing occasionally as well.
My 15km ride will include the actual duathlon course - I can ride to it from home.

There we are then. I have two main goals - do the duathlon, and be a 70s' girl when I do it. Just over eight weeks to go.

1 hour 3 minutes 5 seconds

Well, the weather didn't improve. It was too rough to do a proper swim, so we did about a 100m run in thigh-deep water. Cold, very cold.

Then 500m along the beach (I ran most of this), up a steep hill (I didn't run) then 1.2km to the bike transition (ran the whole thing).

The bike course was pretty tough - pouring with rain much of the time and a VERY strong northerly. The uphill section was straight into the wind. I do recall a burst of laughter from some spectators as I screamed 'Bitch!' at a gust that almost stopped me completely. The second time around I had my cadence going better and didn't find the hill so hard.

Unknown to me, at this stage the weather was so bad they were talking about cancelling the race halfway through - prompted by the fact that the marquees and finish line were being blown away!

Then it was back into transition to drop off the bike and finish with another 2km run. Most of this was flat (alternated running and walking), finishing with a bit of off-road - up a steep track (ran), along the ridge (ran), drop back down (walk) and then across the park to the finish (ran).

Now the really surprising bit - I had a lot of fun doing this. The weather was vile and the ride was hard work at times, but it really was enjoyable. And the sense of achievement at the end was overwhelming.

It's hard to work out how good my time was, considering most of the swim was dropped, but I'm happy with it anyway, especially given the conditions. This is the time I took on my watch, as the official times aren't on the website yet. Update later in the day - official time was 1 hour, 2 minutes 39 seconds. 586th out of 1100 finishers.

Big thanks go to lots of people for their support - family, friends, colleagues, blogland (especially blogland) - because everyone has been so positive.

Huge thanks to Mark and Jake - for getting up at 5am this morning, for their support and encouragement.